Smooth Balls...

     I rise early...you roll over to bury your face into my side of the bed...but don't wake.  I go upstairs to cook your breakfast...egg-whites omelet with spinach, tomato, and baby portobello mushrooms...your favorite coffee...and...BACON (the real stuff too...not that turkey bullshit)...and pack your lunch: Pineapples, mandarin oranges, and the mango-papaya juice I have just freshly pressed.  There's a special surprise picture in the pocket of your briefcase where you keep your work badge...so I know you're going to see it....the one with the leopard pumps and the black lace boy shorts. There's a little note in there with it..."Eat your lunch in your car...park by the trees in the far left of the lot." 

     Noon can't get here fast enough.  I smile mischievously to myself as I pull into and park in the shade of the trees, in the one spot where no one in your company parks because it is hidden from the protection of security cameras.  Your car is there...and I know you ate every bit of the fruit I placed in that mini-cooler hours ago.  I smile back as I beckon you to me...I want to taste you.

     How awesome would it be if we could make that more than a fantasy?  It has all the elements right?  Uber-traditional gender roles with my cooking breakfast...there's *real* BACON...Stress Relief...you're at work..there is a slight chance someone could catch us...and head in the middle of the day. Seems like #GoodShit to me.

There are two things that have to be understood as unstated truths for that to be even a remote possibility: Smooth Balls and Baby Powder.  How is that? You ask...plain and simple...would you eat chicken with HAIR in it...or smelling like FUNK and sweat?!?  BE FOR REAL...

     We want to surprise y'all with all kinds of freaky and fun situations...well...at least, I really enjoy things like that when I'm invested...but you have to build a set of habits that work for that.  I set aside every Friday for my hygeine routine.  I wake up early to drive across Atlanta to Nail, Talk, & Tan by Perimeter Mall to get my signature pedicure, ion detoxification foot bath, and my bi-weekly nani wax...for who?  Well...me...but...I tell you its for you...but...I really like the way my perfectly manicured toes make my feet look so pretty on your shoulders.  Why can't you grace me with the same?

     I'm not asking you to get your shit waxed...that's too much...it would be NICE, but...I'm not even saying shave it bald (though it looks bigger and better defined...one could even stretch and say downright pretty even) but  DAMN...could you clip it down or SOMETHING?  Hair holds odor...its already dark down there...and your poor balls are being stifled by your HUGE dick...( -___-) and is sitting in smegma (GOOGLE IT).  Smooth balls are like those squishy stress balls with the gel in them...but better...and women love playing with stress balls...for real for real.  Smooth balls are just awesome...they just...feel better...like....melt in your mouth good...and I don't have to worry about hair in my braces. I don't want to miss the TREE for the FOREST though...for real. The poo-poo face that follows illustrates my feelings on the matter:

LOL...I've been wanting to use this picture for over a year now...

     BABY POWDER IS YOUR FRIEND.  I love a man who understands the nuances of baby powder in boxers/boxer-briefs.  It's like this...it keeps your undercarriage DRY...and that equates to FRESH.  There are not many things in this world as bad as *tart* balls when it comes to making the pussy dry up like the Sahara desert in July.  Your skin down there does not just NATURALLY smell like sunshine and happiness.  I can't say its bad..but...its not pleasant...Its hard to describe...but...I'm just saying...a woman with standards is not going to volunteer to put her face down there if there is ANY kind of smell.  It doesn't hurt to direct a nice shot of your cologne down there either...but Johnson and Johnson has lovingly provided you with a perfect foundation that only costs $4.84 for damn near a month's supply.  Its one thing to get fresh out the shower can get some mouth love...but...how awesome would you feel if I met you at the front door, dropped to my knees, and hummed on it?   

     I also bet you didn't notice all those other little GEMS I placed in that fantasy section for you either.  You ARE WHAT YOU EAT...well...at least you TASTE LIKE what you eat. The better your diet, the better your skin and juices taste.  I've heard it works on semen as well...I can't speak on that point just yet...but you can read more on positvely and negatively influencing foods here: Foods that make you taste good...

    Love your balls...maintain your balls...respect...your balls...and give me what I NEED to do the same. Drink a lot of water, buy that razor with the little electric clippers at the bottom,  eat some pineapples for goodness sake...and BABY POWDER YOUR DRAWS.

***UPDATE:  One of my readers and a member of #TeamSmoothBalls has made a suggestion for you:  Shower to Shower Powder in a Sports Scent and the Philips-Norelco Body Groom.