Listen to Cosmo if you want...

     Before I had ever really had my first boyfriend (outside of recess), I knew I wanted to write a book on love, relationships, and dating.  When I graduated from reading CosmoGirl to full-fledged Cosmopolitan Magazine, I knew I HAD to write a book on love, relationships, and dating...and especially sex.  Why?  Because...Cosmo is not written for Black Girls.  Yes...they have pretty, bright-eyed black women with nice teeth sprinkled in a few ads...and ripped culturally ambiguous men who, if I squint hard enough, could be black...or some derivation of such...usually with a crinkly afro like the nice mulatto boy from High School Musical...(#DontJudgeMe).  However...it is not the pictures that lead me to believe that a woman of color reading that shiny-faced literature may be ill-informed...it was an article outlining "75 Ways to Heat Him Up."  To the best of my recollection...I would say about 40 of those points to include in the bedroom involved fellatio.  I was a subscriber to Cosmo Magazine for about...6 years...and it felt like every single issue had anywhere from 40-100 sex tips in at least one article...so...some things may be blurred.  At the time, I had never had a penis in my mouth...so I do remember paying attention.

     Quite a few tips seemed like pretty logical ideas...some, a little more far-fetched and adventerous than others...but nothing that I thought would be too crazy.  What nearly ended any chances of continued patronage of Hearst Communications (publishers of Cosmo), was the tip to surprise a man by sticking my finger in a man's butt to massage his prostate while trying to deep throat his member... O_O

     When I hang out with 3 or more of my male friends...you would think we were a mild-mannered protest of anti-LGBTQ sentiment...we say "No Homo" alot...as well as "Pause" much in the same manner and frequency as we did as kids with "Not It."  Stuff that has no obvious sexual double entendre ends up getting punctuated with "No Homo" so much that I have just stopped asking for explanation because it gets ridiculous...yet...there is some quite-possibly melanin-deficient woman telling me to stick my finger in quite-possibly-a black man's booty...This bitch wants me to get physically harmed....and I take offense to that.  I damn near got punched in the face because my hand almost got too close to a good friend's crack when we ended up falling asleep during a group movie night...off of reflex.  See...at the time, J.L. King's book "On the Down Low" had just come out...and popular jokes involved looking for ways to determine if your dude was a 'straight black man who had sex with men.'  Fast forward 8 years...and I live in Atlanta...and even now I still pay attention to the location of my hands in my sleep...but...I will admit...I also make that gamble and inch my hand toward a mans ass when we first start dating...if he doesn't quickly move or wake up without even a semi-violent reaction...I end the relationship...and I am SO serious right now...

     To my ex boyfriends/lovers who may be reading this...yeah...if you have ever woken up from what seemed like a weird nightmare about being in prison...I'm sorry...yes...you had good reason to wake up like that...and no...I was not asleep when you thought I was...you know who you are...

     I just put the warning out there...it is better to be safe than sorry...but if you forgo my warning...and decide to get information from the wrong sources...you deserve what you get...