DON'T CHEW THE CHOCHA: For the Cunning Linguist

I LOVE WHEN A MAN KNOWS HOW TO HUM ON IT.

     Spine-tingling, back-arching, bottom lip-biting, full body shuddering, oral sex is a downright beautiful miracle of life.  If you've ever had one of those orgasms from a truly talented mouth that leaves your energy spent and causes you to close your legs slower than a sloth can make it across a mountain system due to your fear of The Aftershocks, you know exactly what you just read about...or are actually trying to start reading again due to that flashback you just had...oh...yes...yes...YES.  I'm writing with my eyes closed and my head resting against the wall right now because I'm still caught up in that memory...and my heart is beating triple time...so..please excuse any typos...Shout out to my typing teachers from middle and high school...

THIS MESSAGE IS FOR MEN

What is really good fellas?  What's going on?  Why am I not getting good feedback?  It is 2012 and what is this I hear that some of you are still saying that you don't go down?  There are men out there PUBLICLY talking about eating the butt, and some of you are not ADMITTING THAT YOU LIKE TO TASTE THE NANI?!?  COME ON...in 1998 Big Pun gave us such a gem as "I could go downstairs / little brown hairs everywhere/I don't care/Round here they call me Big Pun/Hit you with the big guns/THICK TONGUE /Known to make a chick cum" (Still Not a Player).  And WHAT the f*** is the deal with blowing in my sh*#?!?

I'm getting  ahead *ahem* of myself.  First things first...the Deny-the-heads:  What is the deal with claiming that you don't go down?  I have heard that from EVERY single man I have ever seen naked...and all but one has drank from the fountain of truth.  Think about it...In your mind, what do you hear when a woman says "I don't suck dick" huh?...I'm going to give you a minute...we both know its "Yet" so you can stop frontin'.  You know just as well as I do that one of the fastest ways to prime the punany is with your mouth...so why are you trying to act out of character?   I can understand, if you don't know the pussy, you may be worried about "Stranger Danger" down there...I get it..for real...just...that is what your hands are for!  Send your hand in for a reconnaissance mission and check for inconsistencies...smell your fingers...taste test from there...Don't come out looking like a liar later...because it is in no way difficult for a woman to turn this action (or lack of action) into a "If you can lie about eating me out what ELSE are you lying about?!?" kind of conversation. And how messed up would it be that you actually got in trouble FOR eating the punany? Huh?

Second extremists to whom I must talk: Talking-in-circles-instead-of-licking-in-circles: Shut. the. hell. up.  Just...shut up.  I do not want to hear you.  I want your lips wrapped around my clitoris with fluttering pressure and your tongue alternating between dancing in figure 8s and flattening against my lips.  I swear...if you accidentally bite me too hard because of your yapping, I will punch you in the top of your head. Don't just speak about it, BE ABOUT IT.  I get tired, Tired, TIRED of hearing how good its going to feel when you "put [your] whole face in it" or how I had "better not try to run from the tongue" and all kinds of other bullshit your kind employs to get me hype for the oral.  If its really that good...your upper body strength better be something serious...because I played soccer and rugby...and I will buck and throw you like the mechanical bull at Country Club Bar on Cinco de Mayo.  Stop with all these dramatic a** interruptions asking if it's good to me...if I love that tongue...do I need it...and oh yeah...how does it feel with your fingers working with your mouth..all up in my sh*t.  If I can answer your questions...it's not good...if a woman is having full on dialogue during the sex...she's faking...OR she's trying to talk herself to that orgasm.  Didn't you learn it is impolite to talk with your mouth full?  If my teeth are clenched, my eyes closed, and I'm gripping your shoulders or the sheets as if I'm holding on for dear life...I'm getting there...SHUT THE F*** UP! I am TRYING to concentrate.  If you want to put your vocal chords to good use?  HUM on it...(#YesLawdt)...and learn how to lock your elbows...for real.

Obvious-Porn-Watching-Punany-Eaters: What you watch in your "me" time may not have the disclaimer of  "Don't try this at home" but it does not mean that you aren't any less of a Jackass for trying everything on your TV screen/computer monitor.  Yes...when that man sticks his tongue in her vagina she screams for joy...but you do realize that it is her JOB to make those sounds...right?  Don't get me wrong...there are some women who like for you to stick your tongue into their vaginas (I interviewed 3 who told me they liked it) but if you're going to pull out some tricks you learned from Booty Talk 56, please learn the ENTIRE lesson.  I am no porn expert (until they find an internationally recognized program...then I'll enter) but pay attention the next time you see some cunnilingus action on your small screen.  They do that shit FROM THE BACK...and eating from the back is a GLORIOUS thing...there's just something about the mix of partial sensory deprivation because I can't see what's about to happen so I can't prepare...and cool air hitting a mix of vaginal fluid and your saliva. Now THAT'S what I call refreshing...

While I'm on this spill...Where the FACK did y'all get the idea to put your face in my stuff and do that dog-shake-rasberry thing?!?  Like...who told you that sh*t is attractive?  I'm sure there is some ultra-freak out there who likes it...but...I talked to 22 women before I sat down to write this, and I have yet to get the thumbs up on it.  I personally don't want you coming up and kissing me with your face dripping wet after you do that sh*t.  I'm not afraid of my own juices, as I have been accused by a few of you...but..I just don't want your shiny a** face all in my face.  I also don't get the whole blowing into my vagina...thing.  WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO ACCOMPLISH?!?  I mean...did you listen to Trick Daddy talk about blowing in the butt and think, maybe this can translate into eating a b!%$# out too?  If so...I have to tell you...Trick Daddy was a very specific teacher...don't try to experiment if you don't know what you're doing...and you can't know what you're doing if you have to learn technique from rap songs.

The Are-you-even-down-there-because-you-ain't-hitting-on-sh*t-so-just-stop heads:  I just think you are faking it...and that is some b*%$#-boy sh*t.  I think I despise your ilk the most.  Hell...there are probably plenty of men who feel SOME kind of way about going down.  Maybe, you feel less masculine because you are too myopic to see the power in pleasing the pussy...maybe, you're nervous and you don't want to mess up...or maybe you're just a selfish bastard with bitchassness in your soul...whatever the case may be...I loathe you.  At least the dudes up top just say they don't go down...so it gives us the hope that as the relationship deepens, things can change.  But YOU...no...you use your limp tongue to waste my time...that flicking the clitoris with the tip of your tongue ain't hitting on sh*t.  So what?  You think just because you're bad at eating the nani that I'm going to stop you and just say F$#% it, stick your D#$% in me already?  Well you've got life f%$#ed up if you pull that sh*t and think that is going to work...because I'm going to let you stay down there until you're blue in the face...I'm turned off anyway...but guess what...You want me to believe you don't know what to do?  Well...You Gon' Learn Today!

Bottom line...know the cooch...taste the cooch...love the cooch.

***If you want me to believe you are none of the above...check the next 'Chew the Chocha' post.