Instant Family: Just Add Water

I really don't like children...as a whole...they are damp, they smell funny, and they always find some reason to try and touch you (YUCK).  I have yet to discover any desire to be maternal.  I have 'God-children' (2) and a grand-niece and nephew who are my major exposure to the younger generation.  I love them...I don't always like to be around them...but it really helps me deal with them that they have a home...that is not my house.  My entire dating history, I have determined that I would rather never date a man with kids...and even if I did...it probably wouldn't work anyway...that is until...he happened.

  

With one man...I found myself taking a second look at all of my 'dating requirements' and possibly going against them.  He's only 6'2"-ish...when my normal minimum is 6'3."  He's younger than me (by 5 months) when I prefer men who are at least 4 years older.  He's light-skinned...(I use the paper bag test in reverse for my dating preference...blacker the berry the sweeter the juice).  And...I don't 'do' kids.  And when we met...that was cool..because he didn't have any kids...and said he didn't want any either...until...that phone call from a girl from his hometown...happened...

My most recent experience with worrying about a man to whom I'm attracted has brought to mind so many discussions I've had with women who are facing a similar issue, and even the women with whom I've discussed dating who are wanting to date while being a single parent.  The topic of dating single parents shows up on my TL bi-weekly...in my DMs every few days...and seemingly in my facebook or text inbox almost daily.  It inspires some thoughts...

I understand things happen...people have children...and I've been conditioned to believe that as a woman of color at my age, dating black men especially, it would be hugely impractical to think I'm going to meet someone who doesn't have kid(S)...at least 2...and that's cool...I get it...I won't change my standards based on what OTHER people accept...and then...he shows up in my life.

My issue with dating men with children comes from my own childhood.  My father had multiple women who came into my life, and when their relationship with my dad ended, so, it seems, did their relationship with me.  That can be highly impacting on a young woman...as it definitely was for me.  It matters not that decades later I found out it was my father who prevented them from being in my life, and not a lack of desire on their part...it has still proven to add to my apprehension of having even female friends in the present.  I saw it as these women had to have just been completely disingenuous in their feelings toward me.

I vowed to never be one of those women.  I have dated men with children, but I expressed early on that I would not want to meet their family until we were both sure that the relationship was headed toward 'permanent.'  I would never allow my god-children around a man who was not "permanent" either.  I would hate to have some child expect me to be around...and have that be blocked by their parent appeasing either their mother, or another woman in his life. 

Yet here I am.  Dating is hard enough for someone like me (I travel constantly for my job, have trust and commitment issues, and I'm COMPLETELY shallow...but...my hearts in a good place) with having to figure out if I really like dude...or do I just like how absolutely beautiful his abs are (he DOESN'T HAVE TO FLEX FOR THEM TO BE ALL BEAUTIFUL AND ROCK HARD) and now on top of that I'm faced with a losing/losing/utterly losing situation.  If it 'works' I'm faced with being in the life of a man with an infant...and...a baby mother...I could be missing out on a good thing if I let this go...or...I don't even want to think about it...

Sometimes...I wish I didn't have the answers...that I could exist a little longer floating on a dream before the truth came to burst my bubble months or years later...at least I could have some fun first...*sighs*