A Ballgame, a Brew...and no Bitches....

     My left eye twitches every time I see one of 'THEM' in whatever sports bar I have found in which to watch the game.  Indubitably, they will park themselves next to whichever TV I have chosen to be my portal into the stadium...and it never fails to happen until I have already gotten comfortable, ordered 2 of my Mexican beers of choice, and  have probably sunk my teeth into a fantastic slice of pizza or am on hot wing number #2.  I smelled them as soon as they walked parked...the tiny hairs on the back of my head began to rise as soon as he opened the door...and my muscles tensed before his eyes started darting to locate a seat...The cause of my tension?  A football fan who has brought some completely clueless woman to a sports bar to try to mix a date with America's TRUE favorite past time: Football.

     Men...I place full responsibility on you.  I know you got all excited when that bitch told you she loved football on your first date...and you didn't stop to think or ask questions.  Who is her favorite team, traditionally and currently? (The team you grew up with because of your family vs the team who you personally decided to love)  Does she understand Fantasy Football...at least...SELECTION?!?  Write down and make sure the bitch can pronounce the following names: Touraj Houshmandzadeh :: Ndamukong Suh :: Osi Umenyiora :: Visanthe Shiancoe:: Ma'ake Kemoeatu.  You just hoped she grew up having an older brother and knew the game...but the first time you went to her house, what channel was the TV on?  If she has a bookshelf, was Holly Robinson Peete's book : "Get Your Own Damn Beer, I'm Watching the Game!: A Woman's Guide to Loving Pro Football"  on the shelf, and did it look brand new or well read?  PAY SOME FUCKING ATTENTION BEFORE YOU RUIN MY SUNDAY/MONDAY/THURSDAY NIGHT EXPERIENCE!

     Please...fellas...don't bring a girl to the sports bar during clutch games who is just going to whine and beg for attention.  Know your woman...and if this bitch walks between me and this screen ONE MORE TIME...I will snatch her weave...